Advice to guys from an Asian woman

1. Do NOT greet me with "Konichiwa." Do you really think I'm going to fall all over myself in delight that you are speaking the language of my people? Do you think you're cute? Let me tell you: you're NOT! And by the way, I'm not Japanese. I am Korean; and yes, that is different. No, we don't all understand each other. Just throwing any old Asian phrase my way is an insult. Don't do it.
2. Do NOT try to start conversation by asking, "Are you [insert any Asian ethnicity here]?" In fact, don't mention anything remotely related to Asia during the first few minutes of our conversation, if you even get that far. If you traveled all over Asia to teach English for three years, that's great. Don't tell me about it. If your past five girlfriends were Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Taiwanese and Korean, good for you. Shut it. If you like Thai massage with happy endings, definitely keep that all to your obsessed self. I hate guys with yellow fever and will run from it. Why would you make your disease so obvious? I am interesting and fabulous because of reasons beyond the motherland of my ancestors. I am neither submissive nor exotic. Get over it.
3. Related to Rule 2, if you think you speak an Asian language which is not of your heritage, but it happens to be the same Asian language I speak with my relatives, don't try to talk to me in that language. Even if you think you're fluent, you're probably not. If you think you've mastered the pronunciation, I won't be impressed. It can maybe be funny or cute for about half a second. Then you must stop the madness, and stop it fully. I was made in America. I'm very proud of my culture, but it isn't yours. Speak to me in English. If you want a conversation partner, go put up flyers or check Craigslist. I didn't sign up for that job.

Last night, Lee and I dropped by the 500 Club for a dirty martini and Fernet after our roommate dinner. (Lee is an honorary roomie.) We were sitting at a booth, gearing up to play Erotic Photo Hunt, when this guy approached us and asked, "Are you Chinese or Korean?" *See Rule #2 above.

We rolled our eyes at each other, but we couldn't seem to stop the annoyance from speaking further. This guy, who so obviously was not Korean, proceeded to tell us that he just got back from Korea, where he taught English for two years. Trying to humor him, we asked how he chose Korea, and he replied, "Well, I already knew Japanese, so that was out..." (Did he actually just say that to us?) And then he asked if we spoke Korean. You can just guess what happened next. Yup, Rule #3. For a really long time. We wanted to push his power OFF button, but it didn't exist. He said and did so many wrong, wrong things. I'll spare you from most of it, but here are a few examples:

• After asking our ages in a very rude way, he inquired, "How did you manage to stay single for so long?" Gee, you really know how to make a girl feel special.
• "Koreans think Chinese people are dirty." Oh, we DO??? Well, I'm Korean, so thanks for telling me what I think. Wow, I'd better stay away from all my dirty friends, even though I have a lot of them. Do you tell Chinese girls that too?
• "I realize there are no Korean Americans, just Koreans in America." What?!?? What the heck are you talking about? What's wrong with you?
• "Can you write down your Korean names for me, in Korean characters... and can you put your email addresses next to that?" Uh, NO. Did you not hear me talk about my boyfriend? Does aggravated Lee look like she wants anything to do with you?

Needless it say, he did NOT get our email addresses or any more of our time. He didn't get anything... in SO many ways.

I don't mean to sound overly harsh, but I run into lame guys like this all the time, and I'm so sick of them! Don't get me wrong; if two people from different backgrounds meet, I think it's wonderful for them to share and learn from each other. That's what life's about. I admire people who learn other languages and put forth the effort to absorb other cultures, but let's get rid of those guys who only want to talk to Asian girls just because they're Asian. Yellow fever is ugly. Guys who have no game are lame. Guys who have yellow fever and no game are atrocious and beyond. Sorry, buddy, me no love you long time.