Dating no no NO NO NOOOs

I haven't been prowling the dating jungle for years now, but in talking to friends, I realize that the jungle is full of beings who should be selected out by Darwinism... but they will probably end up preying on poor, unsuspecting souls.

Bad dates suck. Psycho dates are scary. There really should be a forum for writing and reading "user reviews" on daters. Guess what? There are! Check out http://truedater.com/, http://datingpsychos.com/, http://www.xsrevenge.com/, http://manhaters.com/, http://dontdatehimgirl.com/.

I put together my own little list of dating guidelines based on accounts in my past dating life, crazy (but true) stories from friends, and actual happenings on tv (reality television IS real, after all):

1. Do not use the word "reproduce" at any point during your first date. Did anyone watch the first episode of The Bachelor last week? One woman who didn't get picked actually went up to the guy to ask why she didn't get a rose. He told her that she kept saying she wanted to "reproduce" soon, and he didn't know if he was ready for that yet. Her theory was, "There's only one reason we're here on this earth - to reproduce." Gee, that's romantic.

2. Telling someone you love them too soon is usually too much for a dater to handle. What's considered too soon? Well, every couple is different, but I think it's safe to say that a second date is probably too soon. You could be quite smitten, and playing games isn't necessarily the way to go, but coming on too strong will make you seem desperate, even if you're not. I was talking to a guy, not even dating him, but we had a couple of decent conversations. I told him that I would be out of pocket for a while because I was prepping for studying for the bar. I specifically said that I would call him when I was done and that I would need two months of being left alone. What did he do? He called me five times during the following week. We weren't playing phone tag; I wasn't tagging back. He didn't exactly tell me he loved me, but that was too much too soon for me. I was really planning to call him after I was done with my exam, but after all that, I decided not to.

3. If the person you're dating says they don't want to see you anymore, don't send back an "accidental" text message to them to try to hurt them. For example, if you're a guy who has gone on two dates with Renee, and Renee tells you she doesn't think you two are working, don't then send a text to Renee which reads, "Hey Angela, I had a great time with you last night. When will I get to see you (in bed) again?"

4. If the person you're dating says they don't want to see you anymore, don't send a mean email stating that you really weren't that into them, especially when you were laying it on pretty thick in the first place. Don't email, "Well, Renee, I'm actually dating other really gorgeous models, and I always thought you were stupid anyway. I was just trying to get you in bed."

5. If you do happened to send an emotional email, do not send another email minutes later claiming that someone "hacked" into your account. It's not believable. It's immature. It's just plain lame.