Friday, June 23

Why I shouldn't hold it in

I've been feeling kinda eh for a little while now. I couldn't decide exactly why, but I was getting frustrated with unpromising house hunting, I was really missing my family and friends, work was taking a lot of getting used to, blah, blah, blah... As I thought about those things, I felt like an undeserved complainer. Overall, I was still happy. Things with ever-sweet Taer were wonderful, the friends I had made here were all really nice, my job was still better than a lot of others I'd had in the past, and I did like it. I just had to get used to things being different.

Nothing was wrong exactly... but it wasn't completely right either. I guess I'll always miss home, at least a little.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that, for the first time, I had to wish my family a Happy Mother's Day and Happy Father's Day all the way from the other side of the country. Maybe it's because I missed getting together for dinner with the girls; and I have oddly only been able to talk to some of my closest friends once or twice in all these months (and most of them, sadly, not even once). These are people I used to talk to almost every day, and often multiple times a day - damn the time difference! Maybe it's because I thought we'd be going back for a visit next week, but we had to postpone the trip I was anticipating with so much excitement. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to hold in the fact that I was feeling a little down.

All I know is, I found myself with tears welling up in my eyes up a few nights ago. The more I tried to hold it in, the worse it got, so I finally decided to just let myself burst. All of a sudden, I wasn't just crying, I was BAWLING. My eyes got so puffy I could barely see. I was hyperventilating, which strangely made my lose feeling in my earlobes. Taer asked if I could breathe, and I nodded yes. It felt good to let it out. It hurt, but it felt good.

Whatever the situation is, I normally try to stay positive and optimistic. There was actually one day in college when I was particularly tired - I think I had pulled an all-nighter to finish a paper - so I wasn't my usual peppy self. All day, people kept asking me what was wrong. One of my friends even asked if I was mad at him. I guess no one was used to seeing me without a big smile on my face.

Another good friend, who was a psychology major, pulled me aside earlier in the year to say, "You know, there are some people who show a happy face to the world all the time... and then they go home and cry by themselves. You know you can always talk to me, right?"

I just laughed. With me, what you see is what you get; I'm quite transparent. I can't hide it when I'm upset; I'm usually as happy as I seem. But right now, I miss things about my old life terribly. I miss my people. And a good cry every once in a while is needed.


laura o'b said...

This almost made me cry. I've been feeling the exact same way lately.

When I first moved to Houston for my promotion, I was so excited. I met some friends, was really loving my boss and the new challenge of the job.

The last few weeks I've been getting down. Not because I want to go back to Ark necessarily, but because things have changed. I'm not doing quite as much and I told the ex I wanted him to leave me alone (he kept wanting to do stuff b/c he travels to HOU for work too) and . . . .

Thanks for sharing this b/c it makes me feel like I'm not crazy for being a little sad right now.


chenja said...

i miss u hunny! :( So many changes, it can be overwhelming. I bet the same thing will happen to me in a month or so in Seattle. ha!

lee said...

sad!! we totally miss you here. it's not the same anymore. the cross-country time difference thing does make it really hard. but i'm glad that you at least get to be happy with taer. me, i just miss my boo. =)

jennipah said...

laura - i'm sorry to hear you've been so-so too, but i can assure you that you are NOT crazy. being sad is normal, but both you and i should get happy because we do have a lot to be happy about. :)

chenja - you will do just fine in seattle! you already had a huge adjustment by moving across the country, and now you're moving just a little bit in comparison toward family and love and a great job. :) i can't wait to see you again, hopefully soon.

lee - i miss my boo too! now WE have a long distance relationship... ;)

me, myself and irene said...

I MISS YOU JENN! *hugs* :(